I remembered it was like 3 months after my breakup.
Finally, I got some power back. I felt like oh my god this past 3 months was so awful, so much crying, so much isolation and then finally one Friday night I was like I want to go out tonight and have some fun. So, I got dressed. I tried my best to look glooming despite all the weight loss which was so obvious on my face.
Going through my clothes was even difficult for me because it brought a lot of memory back. But I was determined. I told myself enough is enough. You should grow up. You are not a young girl anymore; you are an established middle-aged woman, so please behave age accordingly. When I got ready, I really enjoyed watching myself in the mirror, then I felt a strong pain in my heart and I heard the same voice in my head” you are really beautiful, how come he could not see that” and once again I found myself crying. I was expecting everything gets better when, I ‘m out. But omg it just got worse by minute. I went to one of very high-end places in my city, such an amazing crew. I got so much attention and admiration. At the beginning it felt so good, but not long, I had the same feeling if everyone here can see how attractive I am, how come the one who I loved the mot he could not see that. I felt more down and depressed when I was receiving compliment. On one hand, I was hearing all the good stuff from random strangers and the other hands my subconscious kept telling me” THEY ALL ARE LIER” I could not spend time there more than an hour or two. I left the place and the entire time in the way back home, I was crying, yelling and asking universe why, why I should be in this situation.
I cried almost for 45 min, by the time I got home I could barely keep my eyes open. I went straight to bed and passed out.
The next morning, I was hangover but, I was able to clearly see that I have a long journey to get healed.
What I learned was sometimes you think you are ready, but you are not and you only knew it after you expose yourself to a new situation.
The experience was so hard for me. But I found out whatever I’m going through is normal. It is ok to act unpredictably. I learned that I have to be so kind and empathic toward myself. I’m the only one who truly knows how I feel and how heartbroken and confused I am.
I want to remind you all. Healing is a process. It definitely takes a lot of time. And even when you think you healed you can be surprised by your own behavior. So please be very kind to yourself. Try to understand yourself and keep repeating it is ok if you failed today. just because today is not a day, it does not mean that the day won’t come.
Don’t give up, don’t stop healing. We will make it one day.
That is a promise.
To be continued.