I am just born today as a new person who is trying to share her thoughts and feelings here as a reference for my future self. my main purpose at the moment is to make a journal to keep myself on track. whoever got hurt knows the importance of having a journal. I’ll share my healing journey with you, guys and I hope it can be helpful for the readers.
I really don’t know how it works. so, I just write whatever comes to my mind.
I’ve been struggling with myself for a long time. but this time is really different. I have decided to do real work. I think I know what is wrong with me. I want to take full responsibility for my action and my trauma bond, I’m done blaming my ex-narcissistic partner. I’m tired of being the way I am right now. I’m sick of being always on the edge, irritated, ready to fight, always looking for roller coaster feeling, high and low. my conscious likes to believe I’m mentally healthy and I don’t like to be in a fight/flight state. but it is not the reality. For long time, I was not aware that I don’t feel good or relax in a safe and settle environment. I would get bored and edgy so easily. But then I realized I can only function amazingly in a chaotic situation, more chaotic more exciting for me. If I’m not overwhelmed, constantly challenge at my work, life, gym, relationship or basically in any situation, then I’m annoyed and irritated.
Trust me, it took me two years to learn about myself. I used to think, I am a very loving, caring and kind person who value others happiness over hers. I used to think such an amazing person, I am. but the problem was, I always felt I’ve been taken for granted. I was the one who constantly trying so hard to make sure everyone around me is happy and their needs are met. I was exhausted. recently I’ve found out the reason of my behavior is coming from some issue which is rooted in me. Now I know, I only feel whole, loved, wanted if I serve for other people. In my subconscious, I’m only worthy of love if I go above and beyond to keep people in my life happy. Deep down, I was scared, if I don’t prove myself, if I don’t show them how much I love them, or how useful I can be for them, they will abandon me.
Ok Now, I’m crying….
I wish, I have someone to hug me and tell me, I can see your pain. that is not your fault. you are not alone.
I feel like if I make people around me dependent to me, I can make sure, since they need me, they will keep me in their life. that’s why I give them the extreme feeling of security (the feeling I’ve never had truly), so much love, attention and etc. I try to show them, I’m a very fun, cool, easy going and easy to love, so please pick and keep me. I know it sounds sad, but it is me. but as I said at the beginning, this time is different. for the first time in my life, I want to be more focused on myself. I want to give all the love, attention and care to me. to help me to break free from the pattern that I’ve never asked for.
So, if anyone can relate to my story let’s start healing together.
we need to trust our inner voice and we need to support each other.
Hopefully by next year, we all goanna feel much much better.
To be continued….